Bewildered

“Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard… Take me back to the start.” -The Scientist, Coldplay

I’m lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder, what’s new about you, what keeps you busy. I wonder if you still think of me. I wonder if you still have feelings for me and wonder if I still feel something for you.

You don’t seem to look like a ceiling but there’s on that blank space that pulled me back to that one fairytale summer love we almost had. You captured my thoughts today and suddenly I felt a surge of nostalgia. You’re not supposed to be on my mind and I’m not supposed to be smiling anymore, but I couldn’t help it. Honestly, I’m already over you, but something inside keeps on telling me that I’m really not.

Is it normal to feel something you don’t know? I feel like I miss you but I don’t. My mind forgot about you, but my heart still remember. I still remember every single detail. I remember how we laughed our problems out. I remember how carefree you were. I remember you used to sang me songs and make fun of your own voice. I remember you teased me by showering me with too many i love you’s because you know I’m not an I love you person. I remember you told me you have fallen in love with someone and I remember I almost fell off the chair when you told me it was me. I remember how you made the dragons in my stomach flutter when you tell me things a girl wants to hear from a guy she likes. I remember every smiles of everyday that summer had. I remember how happy we were. I remember us.

Sometimes I want to talk to you but I don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe I’m just afraid I’ll fall in love with you again and make the same mistake again because I’m aware that you’re the only person who could break the walls I built. But I think, if you’ll try again, I will cooperate. If you’ll ask, I’ll say yes. I’m sure of that but just a little unsure.

Maybe I’m confused or maybe not. Maybe it’s just me and my fickle mind, or maybe I really miss you. Maybe I want you back. Maybe I’m just waiting for you to feel something for me again. Maybe I haven’t really moved on. Maybe I forgot about you but the feelings, all these feelings, are still here in my heart, waiting for you to wake them up. It never really left me. Maybe I’m still into you and maybe I’m not meant to move on because it’s the one thing that the universe or the stars, milky way, black hole or the entire solar system want and they will conspire for us to meet and fall in love again.

I don’t know, really. Maybe it’s the stars’ fault or the universe’ or the rain. Or maybe, just maybe, we are each other’s lost soulmate.

A MOTHER’S LOVE

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My mom is the most important woman in my life. She carried me in her womb for nine months. Imagine how big her tummy was and how much hurt she’d been through during her pregnancy. Despite of the pain and changes in her body, she loves me. She did every mom would do to make her child born healthy, pretty and brainy. She read me books, put music on her womb, ate healthy foods for me and talked to me as if I can hear her.

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When I was born, I gave her sleepless nights because I was crying at wee hours. She fed me, she made me milk, she took me away from harm and protected me so as not to be bitten by mosquitoes. 

When I started schooling, she prepared our breakfast, iron my uniform. She used to fix my tie and clean my nose before I leave to school. And when I get home, she was the one who helped me with my lessons. She is not just a mother, she is my tutor.

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I grew up the way just how she wanted me to be, a successful daughter. But there was a time when I got so irritated by her. I hated how she asked for money everytime, I even called her ‘mukhang pera’. I didn’t want to communicate with her. I didn’t even answer her calls and texts.  I snubbed her most of the time, she is so clingy, she controls me as if she knows everything. I only text her if I sent her an allowance. For me, its just money that matters to her. 

 There was a time I let her wander Manila alone even if I know that she doesn’t know her way home. I just let her go because I didn’t want to be with her. When I received my first monthly salary I didn’t treat her in a fine dining nor buy something for her, instead I just bought her dimsum noodles which only costs P25.00.

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Then one night, I dreamed that she died. That was so sad. No, HORRIBLE. When I woke up, I felt a tear fell on my right eye and realized how much she means to me. I was a terrible daughter. I was such a bitch and ungrateful daughter to her. I texted her that day, I said sorry for all the pain I’ve caused and told her ‘I love you, Ma’ for the first time. I know that I’ve hurt her even if she didn’t tell me. Guess what? She forgave me. That’s what a mother is, she cannot stand her child.

And now, I am a woman who love her mother more than anyone else in the world. I’d give everything to her, I’d even give my life for her. I don’t even mind giving her my weekly allowance as long as she’s alright, because I know that the love she gives me is unconditional. No one will ever break a mother’s love to her child.

I love you Mama, thank you for taking care of me and I promise that I will go through the ends of the world just to give you a beautiful life that you deserve. ♥

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PS: Love your mom, show your love before it’s too late. Don’t hate her, don’t deceive her, don’t hurt her feelings, and don’t shout at her when she is pesky, remember without her, you will not be able to read this post right now.