Bewildered

“Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard… Take me back to the start.” -The Scientist, Coldplay

I’m lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder, what’s new about you, what keeps you busy. I wonder if you still think of me. I wonder if you still have feelings for me and wonder if I still feel something for you.

You don’t seem to look like a ceiling but there’s on that blank space that pulled me back to that one fairytale summer love we almost had. You captured my thoughts today and suddenly I felt a surge of nostalgia. You’re not supposed to be on my mind and I’m not supposed to be smiling anymore, but I couldn’t help it. Honestly, I’m already over you, but something inside keeps on telling me that I’m really not.

Is it normal to feel something you don’t know? I feel like I miss you but I don’t. My mind forgot about you, but my heart still remember. I still remember every single detail. I remember how we laughed our problems out. I remember how carefree you were. I remember you used to sang me songs and make fun of your own voice. I remember you teased me by showering me with too many i love you’s because you know I’m not an I love you person. I remember you told me you have fallen in love with someone and I remember I almost fell off the chair when you told me it was me. I remember how you made the dragons in my stomach flutter when you tell me things a girl wants to hear from a guy she likes. I remember every smiles of everyday that summer had. I remember how happy we were. I remember us.

Sometimes I want to talk to you but I don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe I’m just afraid I’ll fall in love with you again and make the same mistake again because I’m aware that you’re the only person who could break the walls I built. But I think, if you’ll try again, I will cooperate. If you’ll ask, I’ll say yes. I’m sure of that but just a little unsure.

Maybe I’m confused or maybe not. Maybe it’s just me and my fickle mind, or maybe I really miss you. Maybe I want you back. Maybe I’m just waiting for you to feel something for me again. Maybe I haven’t really moved on. Maybe I forgot about you but the feelings, all these feelings, are still here in my heart, waiting for you to wake them up. It never really left me. Maybe I’m still into you and maybe I’m not meant to move on because it’s the one thing that the universe or the stars, milky way, black hole or the entire solar system want and they will conspire for us to meet and fall in love again.

I don’t know, really. Maybe it’s the stars’ fault or the universe’ or the rain. Or maybe, just maybe, we are each other’s lost soulmate.

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Sulat Para Kay Popoy

Inaamin ko na ipinagdasal ko sa Diyos na sana maka-move on ka na. Ayoko kasing nahihirapan ka. Kahit nakamove-on na ako, inaalala pa rin kita kung okay ka na ba. Siguro nasasaktan ka ng sobra ngayon. Sorry ha? Ito lang kasi ang tanging alam kong gawin para makalimutan mo na ako. Hindi na kita kinakausap, hindi ko sinasagot mga tawag mo. Naka-screened message ka nga eh so I can get rid of your messages. Tinatarayan kita, itinulak na parang hindi kita minahal. Nilait pa nga kita para magalit ka at hindi mo na ako mahalin. I shut you out like I never gave five years of my life to you. In short, hinayaan lang kita. Iniwan kitang nasasaktan at gulong gulo. Iniwan kita sa ere. Binitiwan ko ang limang taon nating relasyon na sabay nating ipinaglaban ng ganoon ganoon na lang.

Hindi ko na kasi kaya Poy eh. Ayokong maging unfair sayo kasi wala kang idea na habang tumatagal ay lalo lang nawawala ang pagmamahal ko sayo. Five years Poy, five years ng buhay ko ang ibinigay sayo. At sa five years na iyon dumating ako sa point na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Hindi ko na magawa ang mga dati kong ginagawa dahil binago mo ako. I miss my old self Poy. I miss who I was. Gusto kong ako naman ngayon ang pagbigyan mo. Ibalato mo na sa akin ‘to Poy.

Noong pumayag ka sa gusto ko. Well, technically hindi ka talaga pumayag pero at least nasabi ko na sayo ang nararamdaman ko. Ang sarap ng feeling ng malaya, Poy. Iyong nakakahinga ka ng maluwag. Iyong para kang ibon na lumilipad. Hay nakatakas na ako sayo. Masaya pala na wala ka na sa buhay ko. Hindi na ako nai-stress, walang inaabangang tawag, nakakanood pa ako ng movies ng walang umiistorbo, walang nang-aaway sa akin, wala ng naghihigpit kapag may lakad ako o kung ano man ang suotin ko. Wala ng responsabilidad. Kay tagal ding umikot ang mundo ko sayo, Poy.

Hindi ka na nagtetext, hindi ka na tumatawag at nagpapakita. Hindi ako sanay, Poy. Naka-move on ka na ba? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal? Ang gulo ko ‘no? Kahit ako di ko maintindihan sarili ko. Namimiss ko kasi yung makulit na boyfriend ko. Yung nangungulit kapag may ginagawa ako, yung taong kausap ko gabi-gabi tuwing alas nuwebe, yung taong pinapalakas lagi ang loob ko tuwing pinanghihinaan na ako ng loob, yung taong kahit kailan ay hindi nag-give up sa akin.. Namiss ko bigla ang mga ngiti mo at ang tawa na gustong gusto ko. 

Namiss ko yung kamay mo na hawak hawak kamay ko kahit pasmado. Mga kamay na laging magkahawak kahit saan pumunta.. Kamay na hindi ako binitiwan.

Nasaan ka na kaya? Pag namimiss kita iniisip ko na siguro namimiss mo din ako, pero parang malabo. Ako ata ang nanakit sayo. Ako ata ang nang-iwan tapos mamimiss mo pa? How pathetic of me for thinking that you still miss me. Na ako pa rin ang laman ng puso mo, na ako pa rin ang hinahanap hanap mo.

Okay ka na kaya? Kasi ako hindi pa. Akala ko dati hindi na kita mahal. Akala ko kaya ko ng wala ka pero hindi pala. Poy mahal pa pala kita. Oo nagpray ako kay Lord na tulungan ka niyang mag-move on pero gusto ko ng bawiin yun ngayon. Huli na ba ang lahat, Poy? Ayaw kong mag move-on ka kasi masasaktan ako, nasasaktan ako Poy! Masakit isipin na hindi mo na ako mahal. Masakit kasi pag nakamove-on ka na ibig sabihin nakalimutan mo ng minahal mo ako ng sobra.

Kung babalik ba ako, matatanggap mo pa ako? Malamang hindi na. Nasaktan kita ng sobra. Ilang buwan kang iyak ng iyak, nagpakalunod sa alak, ilang sugat sa kamao mo ang tiniis mo sa kakasuntok sa pader hanggang sa makalimot, tapos bigla na lang ako babalik? Ang kapal ng mukha ko kung hihingi pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon sa iyo kasi itinapon kita na parang isang basahan. Maiintindihan ko kung hindi mo na ako balikan. Ayaw mo lang masaktan ulit..

Nakakatawa, life is so ironic talaga, naalala ko noon bigla na lang ako nagalit noong napatingin ka lang sa legs nung babae. Selosa nga ako. Tapos sabi ko na umunat, kumulot, humaba at umiksi man ang buhok ko tayong dalawa pa rin. Tapos sabi ko pa noon na forever na ‘to, na walang mang-iiwan kung hindi mag-fa-fine ng one million. Ako ang nangako Poy pero ang laki kong tanga dahil ako pa pala ang bibitaw.

Kung nasaan ka man ngayon o kung sino man siya na kasama mo, alam ko na masaya ka na. Siyempre siya ang sumagip sayo noong mga panahong talo ka. Siya ang sumalo sayo noong binitiwan kita. Siya na ang babaeng magtutuloy ng mga ipinangako ko sayo. Siya na ang babaeng makakasama mong mangarap, ang babaeng makakasama mo thru thick and thin, ang babaeng hinding hindi ka iiwan ano man ang mangyari. Siya na ang babaeng may karapatan sayo. Siya na ang babaeng papalit sa puwesto ko sa puso mo.

I’m sorry. Dapat matagal ko na ‘tong nasabi sayo. Sorry kung nasaktan kita ng sobra sobra. Sorry kung pinaiyak kita gabi-gabi. Sorry kung hindi kita naalagaan sa mga panahong maysakit ka. Sorry sa mga gabing minumura kita kapag galit ako. Sorry sa mga pagkakataong nagsinungaling ako para sa sarili ko. Sorry kung bigla lang kitang iniwan dahil sa napapagod na ako at sana naisip ko din na matagal ka ng pagod sa ugali ko pero hindi mo pinili ang iwan ako. Sorry naging mahina ako, Poy. Sorry if I was stubborn. Sorry if you weren’t my priority. Sorry for everything. Hindi ko inaasahan na patatawarin mo ko agad pero sana dumating ang araw na yun at kapag dumating ang araw na iyon sana okay na tayo pareho.

Pero alam mo Poy, umaasa pa rin ako na kapag dumating ang araw na iyon, sabihin mo sa akin na ako pa rin. Ang sama sama kong tao dahil ayokong maging masaya ka sa iba dahil feeling ko akin ka lang. Poy, masama ba kung sabihin ko sayo na sana ako na lang? Ako na lang ulit..

Nagmamahal pa rin,

Basha

Us, Girls!

 

We, girls, tend to make fuzz out of simple things. We take it as a big deal. We over analyze things. We nag, laugh out loud like a lunatic. We mess our boyfriend’s hair that he just fix for half an hour. Shout at him when we have PMS. We talk a lot like there is no tomorrow. We have mood swings. Fickle minded most of the time, we cry over a heartbreaking scene from a movie. We are a self-confessed drama queens,

 

but when we love someone we give everything to him. We are open of risking our heart to someone knowing that he might just break it.

 

We are always at his side when he needs someone. We never leave when the world leaves him. We still treat him like a king even if everybody throws a trash on him. He is still our Superman even if everybody thinks he’s weak. We listen to what his heart wants to say when nobody wants to listen to him. We can be equally goofy and romantic just to see him smile.

 

Girls are special. 

 

We are both annoying and sweet, because we are made that way. We reciprocate what guys give us or even more, so if he breaks a girl’s heart he should expect a fuckin’ pain that he deserves. 

Relatable Posts

 

You’ve been hurt. Yes I know that, but it’s wrong to hate someone you thought you’d spend forever with, because somehow you were once happy with him. Remember the times when you were in love, he was the reason behind every smiles you had. It’s okay to cry, but never ever curse him. Instead hold the pain he had caused you and use it as motivation to be a better person, not a bitter person. One day you’ll be okay and that badass who broke your heart will run back to you, but you wont want him no more. ♥

 

 

 

You have moved on, but when you close your eyes it’s still his face and the memories you’ve had that flash back unintentionally. You love him less now, but in the deepest part of your heart there lies a feeling of wanting him again. That if he knocks on your door you will never have a second thought of not having him back. You will always say yes to him regardless of the pain you have gone through. Well, you haven’t really moved on, you just get used to the pain or maybe you have moved on but not yet over him. 

 

 

There will come a time that you will miss someone who once the reason why you wake up in the morning with a smile, but it doesn’t mean that you need to be with him. You can never avoid it because once in your life you spend almost forever with him. It is better to just miss him than to spend your life with a person who doesn’t give a fuck if you’re still alive or not. Someday you will have a reason to wake up in the morning with a smile again, this time with another person who deserves you.