Bewildered

“Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard… Take me back to the start.” -The Scientist, Coldplay

I’m lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder, what’s new about you, what keeps you busy. I wonder if you still think of me. I wonder if you still have feelings for me and wonder if I still feel something for you.

You don’t seem to look like a ceiling but there’s on that blank space that pulled me back to that one fairytale summer love we almost had. You captured my thoughts today and suddenly I felt a surge of nostalgia. You’re not supposed to be on my mind and I’m not supposed to be smiling anymore, but I couldn’t help it. Honestly, I’m already over you, but something inside keeps on telling me that I’m really not.

Is it normal to feel something you don’t know? I feel like I miss you but I don’t. My mind forgot about you, but my heart still remember. I still remember every single detail. I remember how we laughed our problems out. I remember how carefree you were. I remember you used to sang me songs and make fun of your own voice. I remember you teased me by showering me with too many i love you’s because you know I’m not an I love you person. I remember you told me you have fallen in love with someone and I remember I almost fell off the chair when you told me it was me. I remember how you made the dragons in my stomach flutter when you tell me things a girl wants to hear from a guy she likes. I remember every smiles of everyday that summer had. I remember how happy we were. I remember us.

Sometimes I want to talk to you but I don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe I’m just afraid I’ll fall in love with you again and make the same mistake again because I’m aware that you’re the only person who could break the walls I built. But I think, if you’ll try again, I will cooperate. If you’ll ask, I’ll say yes. I’m sure of that but just a little unsure.

Maybe I’m confused or maybe not. Maybe it’s just me and my fickle mind, or maybe I really miss you. Maybe I want you back. Maybe I’m just waiting for you to feel something for me again. Maybe I haven’t really moved on. Maybe I forgot about you but the feelings, all these feelings, are still here in my heart, waiting for you to wake them up. It never really left me. Maybe I’m still into you and maybe I’m not meant to move on because it’s the one thing that the universe or the stars, milky way, black hole or the entire solar system want and they will conspire for us to meet and fall in love again.

I don’t know, really. Maybe it’s the stars’ fault or the universe’ or the rain. Or maybe, just maybe, we are each other’s lost soulmate.

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