Bewildered

“Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard… Take me back to the start.” -The Scientist, Coldplay

I’m lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder, what’s new about you, what keeps you busy. I wonder if you still think of me. I wonder if you still have feelings for me and wonder if I still feel something for you.

You don’t seem to look like a ceiling but there’s on that blank space that pulled me back to that one fairytale summer love we almost had. You captured my thoughts today and suddenly I felt a surge of nostalgia. You’re not supposed to be on my mind and I’m not supposed to be smiling anymore, but I couldn’t help it. Honestly, I’m already over you, but something inside keeps on telling me that I’m really not.

Is it normal to feel something you don’t know? I feel like I miss you but I don’t. My mind forgot about you, but my heart still remember. I still remember every single detail. I remember how we laughed our problems out. I remember how carefree you were. I remember you used to sang me songs and make fun of your own voice. I remember you teased me by showering me with too many i love you’s because you know I’m not an I love you person. I remember you told me you have fallen in love with someone and I remember I almost fell off the chair when you told me it was me. I remember how you made the dragons in my stomach flutter when you tell me things a girl wants to hear from a guy she likes. I remember every smiles of everyday that summer had. I remember how happy we were. I remember us.

Sometimes I want to talk to you but I don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe I’m just afraid I’ll fall in love with you again and make the same mistake again because I’m aware that you’re the only person who could break the walls I built. But I think, if you’ll try again, I will cooperate. If you’ll ask, I’ll say yes. I’m sure of that but just a little unsure.

Maybe I’m confused or maybe not. Maybe it’s just me and my fickle mind, or maybe I really miss you. Maybe I want you back. Maybe I’m just waiting for you to feel something for me again. Maybe I haven’t really moved on. Maybe I forgot about you but the feelings, all these feelings, are still here in my heart, waiting for you to wake them up. It never really left me. Maybe I’m still into you and maybe I’m not meant to move on because it’s the one thing that the universe or the stars, milky way, black hole or the entire solar system want and they will conspire for us to meet and fall in love again.

I don’t know, really. Maybe it’s the stars’ fault or the universe’ or the rain. Or maybe, just maybe, we are each other’s lost soulmate.

Kupas Na Pag-ibig

 

”Happy monthsary”

 

Ito yung mga salitang namimiss mo mula sa taong minsan naging iyo. 

Dati rati, ang araw na yun ay napaka-espesyal para sa inyong dalawa kasi ito yung celebration ng pagiging magkasintahan niyo. Palagi kang excited buwan buwan at naghahanda para sa pagdating ng araw na ito. Pero nung wala na kayo parang natatakot ka ng dumating ang araw na ito kasi maaalala mo lang ang mga bagay na dating nakapagpasaya sayo. Maaalala mo lang ang mga ngiti mo kapag kasama siya. Maaalala mo na ganun katindi ang pagmamahalan niyo na hindi niya kayang ipaglaban. Kung pwede lang wala ang petsa na yun para hindi ka masaktan pero hindi eh, kelangan mong harapin na ang dating espesyal na araw na yun ay isang ordinaryong araw na lang para sa kanya. Na ang dating masasayang alaala ay napalitan na ng masasakit na mga alaala, ang dating mga ngiti ay naglaho na at ang dating pag-ibig niya ay kupas na.

 

F R I E N D Z O N E D

 

Friendzoned

/frend-zownd/

-v

   Falling in love with a friend who would rather maintain your platonic relationship than dating you, because he only sees you as his sibling.

Ouch. >_o

Being in this zone is one of the most painful phases of love that you will ever go through, because you have to pretend that there is nothing going on with your heart for him. No amount of tears and words could describe how much it hurts to love someone who has been so close to you, yet so far away.

So close that you can talk everything to him (except your feelings for him). So close that you can tease him, close that you can even hug and hold him. Close like a part of you is empty when he’s away. He’s your bestfriend right? He knows who you really are. He knows your favorite shirt, he knows when you are sad, happy and if you are hiding something. He knows where you hide the Nutella, he knows that you have an unproportional butt. He knows the greatest and the most awful facts about you.

Far away because you can’t tell him that you have a thing for him. You can’t hug him like hugging a boyfriend. You have him, but you have to resist the overflowing feelings for him, because he might notice that you are falling for him.

How did you fall in the first place? And how do you know if you are on a friend zone?

• If you start to give meaning to everything that he does. Like when he just hold your hand when you cross the street, you’ll think he has a thing for you. But in reality, he’s just being a gentleman.

• If you start thinking about him everyday. He’s on your mind when you wake up until you fall asleep at night. He’s all over your thoughts.

• If you start to feel incomplete when you don’t see him everyday. Your day is boring when you don’t see even just a shadow of him.

• If you start to feel butterflies in your stomach when he jokingly throws pick-up lines on you or when he cares about you. When you start to assume that he has really a thing for you.

• If you start to get jealous with the girls he is dating. You don’t like the girl. You notice even the little flaw of that girl. You do everything just to take your guy away from her.

• If you start feel pretty for him. Before you don’t care how awful you look. You don’t care when your hair is a mess, when you still on your yesterday’s sleepwear and you still love to wear your dirty old sneakers. You don’t apply make-up on. Now you start to put a little powder on your face when he’s coming and sometimes you wear something girly like a dress.

• If you start blushing when everybody is linking you to him. People are always telling you that you are cute together, and you’re so annoyed by that idea. Now you kind of like it, more than like it.

• If you start stalking his Facebook if he’s eyeing a new girl. You become a secret agent.

• If you start to enjoy texting him until wee hours. You’re not tired of having late conversation with him. In fact it’s your cellphone that you search first thing in the morning when you wake up.

• If you start expecting to receive his text when your cellphone beeps. You are always excited.

• If you start to load your SIM when he texts even if it’s just a nonsense message.

• If a stupid conversation becomes sense full. That’s the magic of being in love. A nonsense convo makes sense when you are talking to someone you like.

• If you start to be sensitive about him. You cry when he says something disappointing. Your weakness becomes him.

I just know this because I’ve been in this zone for a long time, and guess what? I survived! I got out out from that effing zone and thank goodness I did. He was my bestfriend. I realized that I was falling when I started acting like a teenager having a huge crush on someone and a jealous girlfriend at the same time.

Iv’e gone a lot of pain and cried a lot of tears, but I didn’t regret any of it. Sure it hurt a lot, but it was magical, actually the most beautiful love story for me. Falling in love with someone who’s been in your life for a long time is the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s spontaneous and unexpected that’s why it’s called Falling in Love. I don’t regret the pain he inflicted on me because with him I was able to feel the feeling of real falling in love.

It’s difficult because it’s so hard to decide whether to risk the friendship or stay just friends. Are you brave enough to risk it all? Or should you just stay there and pretend that he’s just your best buddy forever? Think a lot of times what do you want, then decide. You just have to cross your two fingers what will happen if you choose to be brave enough or forever torment your heart when you choose to be the great pretender 🙂

ECLIPSE

 

I am standing on the ground, the same ground where you left me drowning with tears. I asked you to stay, but you just turned your back on me. You said nothing, like a rock you just ignored me. 

                     

    Suck my blood, ravish me till I die ‘cos I’d rather die than live with a bruised heart.

 

I thought I moved you like the way you moved me. I thought I’m your Forever and your my Serendipity. I thought I’m your personal morphine. I thought I’m your sun and your my moon. I thought your’e my Edward..

 

I just thought you are the one..

 

Every night I wait for you..

Every night I stand along the window pane like a lunatic. When I close my eyes I wish to see only you. In my dreams I long to see even just a glance of you. I wish for you to see me like the way I see you. I wish you still think of me like I always do. 

                 ‘Coz in my lonely hours, when no one breaks the silence, I’m mourning. 

 

Days, weeks, months..

Your absence reminds me of my foolish heart. I fell for everything untrue. I was fooled by your sweet tongue.

 

Bathe with my blood

 

Your’e just another boy who stabbed my heart to death. You broke me my love. I’m lost, but I still have the love I have for you. The heart that still beats for you with all the little pieces.

 

Days, weeks, months have passed and I’m still waiting.

I know you’ll come back

I know we’ll meet again..

Eclipse happens right?

Bakit Nga ba Napakahirap Magmove-on?

Insert song: If I Cry A Thousand Tears

Bakit nga ba napakahirap magmove on? Bakit ang hirap kalimutan ang nakaraan? Bakit sobrang sakit ang nararamdaman natin kapag kailangan ng kalimutan ang isang tao? Bakit kailangang kalimutan ang pagmamahal na dati rati ay para sa atin?

BAKIT?

Kasi nasanay ka na andiyan siya palagi para sayo. Siya, na lagi mong karamay sa lahat ng pagsubok na dumaan sa buhay mo. Siya, na laging gumagawa ng paraan para ngumiti ka sa tuwing malungkot ka. Siya, na siyang dahilan kung bakit ka nagpapaload. Siya, na palagi mong kausap hanggang sa makatulugan mo na lang na nasa tainga mo pa pala ang cellphone at pagkagising sa umaga yun ang unang una mong hinahanap para icheck kung may message siya. Siya na kinakakakiligan mo sa mga natatanggap mong long sweet messages from him every morning. Siya, na magtutupad sana ng lahat ng pangarap mo. Kamay niya ang lagi mong hawak-hawak kahit pasmado, mga kamay na magkasama kahit saan at may mga bagay-bagay na kahit malabo eh naiintindihan niyo pareho.

May mga routine ka na nabago simula nang dumating siya sa buhay mo at ngayong wala na siya hindi mo na alam kung paano ang mabuhay nang wala ang mga nakasanayan na yun.

Palagi mong iisipin kung kumusta na kaya siya, kung naiisip ka pa rin ba niya, kung umiiyak pa rin ba siya, kung mahal ka pa rin ba niya. Eh pano kung hindi na? Pano kung ok na siya habang ikaw nasasaktan pa rin? Paano kung nakamove-on na siya habang ikaw nagkukumahog pa rin? Yung tipong kahit anong sulsol mo sa puso mo na hindi siya karapat-dapat sa mga luha mo, kahit gaano karami ang mga bagay ang ayaw mo sa kanya, kahit ilang libo mong isipin na hindi ka na niya mahal, at kahit na meron nang panibagong tao sa buhay niya… Hindi mo pa rin magawang makalimot, dahil kahit anong hakbang ang gawin mo hinihila ka ng nararamdaman mo pabalik sa pagmamahal na nakasanayan mo.

Masakit kasi,

Hindi na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagpapaload, hindi na ikaw ang tinatawagan niya kapag malungkot at masaya siya, hindi na ikaw ang niyayakap niya sa tuwing giniginaw siya, hindi na ikaw ang nakapagpapaiyak at nagpapangiti sa kanya, hindi na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nagpupuyat siya sa gabi, hindi na ikaw ang una at huli niyang iniisip, hindi na ikaw ang pinagluluto niya, hindi na ikaw ang hinahatid sundo niya, hindi na ikaw ang tinatawag niyang Baby, Mahal, Sweetheart o Honey, hindi na pictures mo ang wallpaper niya, hindi na amoy mo ang hinahanap-hanap niya, hindi na mukha mo ang gusto niyang makita araw-araw, hindi na ikaw ang dahilan sa lahat ng mga bakit niya, hindi na ikaw ang kailangan niya, at hindi na ikaw ang mahal niya. Masakit pero kailangan mo nang tanggapin na hindi na ikaw ang mundo niya.

Hindi madali pero kailangan mo siyang kalimutan. Alam ko naman na kamay niya pa rin ang gusto mong hawakan, mukha niya pa rin ang gusto mong makita, at braso niya pa rin ang gusto mong yumakap sayo kapang nalulungkot ka.

Dahil mahal mo talaga eh. Kapag maalala mo siya uupo ka na lang sa isang tabi at iiyak na naman. 

Kahit umiyak ka pa ng isang libong timba ng luha, hindi na siya babalik.. Pero umiyak ka lang ng umiyak hanggang sa mai-let go mo ang lahat ng sakit. Ganun naman talaga yun di ba? Kailangan mong umiyak at masaktan para matuto ka. Parang nung bata ka pa, natalisod ka, umiyak kasi nasugatan ka. Masakit pero andun na eh. Hihilom din ang sugat na yan at sa susunod alam mo na kung ano ang gagawin para hindi ka matalisod ulit. Kaya sige lang iiyak mo lang ng iiyak hanggang sa maramdaman mong ok ka na. Hanggang sa makatayo ka ulit at masabi mo sa sarili mong, “Kaya ko na”. 

Walang shortcut ang pagmomove-on
– Papa Jack